Last night was such a different night for me. I was sick, and was sleeping downstairs with the fire and T.V on. Something inside of me was so strong. It was a fire. It was deep. Something inside of me wanted to change the course of our world. I don't understand why I was so emotional this particular night. Maybe because I was sick and drained, but I was crying so much the whole night. I couldn't bare to see the world where it was, with out feeling something so deep in me. It made me cry. Several times. I have huge dreams and aspirations for the Kingdom of God. I know I must go through process before I see some of it happen. Yet, I will not wait around. I am going to stay busy, doing something for God, while I go through that process. I wish it would speed up, but I know that process will build my character to sustain me when I get to Gods promise. I want to change the world. I want to make a difference in America and overseas. What God has been putting in my head and heart is almost too big for me to comprehend. And it requires me making preparations now and taking action soon. I don't have time to waste time on social human endeavors and finite selfish humanity. As I wait and grow I will be moving forward no matter what...

Love

My world in color, from behind these eyes you will see

This love asunder, left in shallow humanity

To love is to break, to break is to hope, to hope is to love again.

Aimless pursuit of the blind and the breakable.

This wirlwind is too much for a lonley heart to fight.

Until love reached down to love the unloveable

And kissed the bloody scars stitched tight

Now love is left on my lips

In my hands

In front of my feet

Will shallow humanity get the best of me

If love was a melody, I wish I would be able to hear it.....

where the broken widow cries

a hungry childs sigh

the prostitutes lonly night

the begging attics eye

If love could choose to love, then would it?

If hope could choose to hope would it?

I would hope that hope would still hope

I would love that love would still love

But even still thats not enough

The hope in out hearts

The love on our lips

as bearly grazed the broken tips of

WHAT WE ARE

Because 96% of my generation is going to Hell

Because 2/3's of Zimbabwen children have aids

Because 75% of my world is in POVERTY

Because I haven't died..........

as my Savior died

Because I haven't lived.........

as my Savior lived

Because I haven't loved..........

as my Savior loved

I want love to penetrate this scared, cold, broken heart

I will fight to let love, love though me.

Love Your enemies

Love Your friends

Love Your neighbor

Love knows no end

Love the hurting

Love the weak

Love the broken

Love.with.every.heart.beat.

Finally, I am in California...beautiful weather, trashy girls, expensive gas prices, congested traffic.....how can it get any better than that. Honestly, I love home though. I never realized how blessed I was till I moved away from home. Especially, to live in the part of Cali that I do. Its amazing. The beaches and piers, the sweet down town, the places and theme parks near by where you can get your blatter merked by a roller coaster. I don't want to brag about my home or be vain and stupid, but I will openly voice my extreme contentment with where I live. You never know what you got, till its gone. I realize after living in Springfield for almost a year, how good I have it and how blessed I am to have a home in California. I wish all my new friends that I have made this last school year can come and visit me. Then they will finally notice that the West is the Best. Its nice to finally not be an ethnic majority in my state of residence...

My minds eye...

Its amazing to look at life outside the limited, finite box we put ourselves in. Perspective is everything. That is something I have been learning over the last few months. Thats all part of growing up I guess. I want to have the healthiest perspective about life as I can. I don't have the healthiest perspective and I am far from it. It will take a lot of work to get there, but I will get there. Just food for thought. God help me have the right perspective and attitide about life. Lil food for thought.

Set me ablaze and watch me burn....

Never in my life have I felt more that is God trying to get my generations attention...and never in my life have I been more confused about my own walk with Him and my place earth. Set me ablaze and watch me burn. Strengthen, Satisfy, and Solidify my place in You and this world...Revival in me and Revival in my world.....Great is Thy Faithfulness.....I'm tired of unsatisfaction and an empty cup....its time to kill mediocrity....Jesus overtake me...

Lets break out the shotgun, we're going to town...

I'm ready to stop feeling sorry for myself and start making a difference. It time for some changes.. .One step in front of the other, I'm not going to be the one who watches life go by as I focus on myself or on stupid humanity, and silly social realms...the race ain't over yet......someday you are all going to know me by more than just janxemy or jearbear or your quiet, researved college friend....this summer is going to be a good one...all i'm gonna say

Attitude check

I am desperate for a change in my life. I am absolutley in need of change. Is it in my friends?Maybe, though I have realized how blessed I am to have the friends I have. I see what wonderful people God has placed in my life, and I am amazed. I see people who love God and take their relationship with Him seriously. They have beautiful personalites though sometimes the bad side shows up and there are clashes. Still, you need to take the good and the bad together; the drama and all its negatives. I feel like I don't fit in most of the time. That is my only reservation with many of the circles I find myself in. Its not my friends. Is it this school? Probably not, as much as i don't want to admit it, I have grown a lot this year. God showed Himself and allowed me to come here when I had many circumstances against me. I have made many friends for future networking when the time comes take those steps in my carreer. Is it my spirituallity? Maybe. I am not sure of anything at this point. The only conclusion I can come to is my attitude needs readjustment. I get frustrated with my friends and my social life. In reality it is my attitude. This school is amazing. I definenlty need a change of attitude. My relationship with God needs a lot of work, and attitude come along with that. All I know is that something is going to have to give sooner or later, for the sake of my contentment with life and confidence within myself. I need to figure out what is going on....my attitude needs a change.