Eyes stitched closed

I am regretably selfish. My humanity rises up within me and tries to take a hold me. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Paul tells of his struggle with his humanity. He talks of himself doing the things he doesn't want to do, and not doing the things he should do. I am the epidimy of failure, in thought, in action, in emotion, in my relationship with God and others. My weakness is focus. When I get my eyes off of Christ, my perspective is distorted. I want Jesus. I want everything that God has for me. I want to be completely satisfied with Him. I feel like God tried to get a hold of my attention a few weeks ago. I wasn't satisfied with my social endeavors. I had problems within myself I couldn't solve. He got a hold of my attention in a subtle way. He helped me come to the conclusion that my focus was on the things around me. My everything wasn't Jesus, and my eyes were on the things around me. I was watching everything go down hill, all I saw was the negative. Then I started to try to change focus. My focus was more directed toward Jesus. I wanted Him to be my everything. I realized that I was happier. I was things in a more positive way. I noticed things started to get better, and God spoke into my life even more. However, once again, complacency has chained me again. I realize my focus is on my social life, and issues I have within my head. I am unhappy in this current state. Its like a dark cloud has hovered over my emotions and ability to interact. I realize that in this state there is a lack of Gods blessings and a lack of a healthy perspective. There is a lack of faith. Without faith it is impossible to please God. I am only hurting myself with a distored focus. I need a new perspective. I need to set my eyes on the things above, and not on the things of this world.

Her Wall

She stitched her heart to her past, and you can’t see what lingers behind a wall of regretful memories. A casket became loves home, and you can’t reach it. The deeper you dig, the deeper wounds become. Eyes are fixed on an image that is painted in time. These memories locked in a cage; they took the keys and threw them away. Now all she knows is of a broken vase that won’t go away. You try to reach in and see what’s inside, and take hold of what can be her heart. But you come up with nothing, but a bottle of tears. Her walls are strong, they are tall…. Jericho met its match. Its time to take down another city... May its walls come down only for love…..may the past become the past…..

Footprints

I sit with my head in my hands. It’s as if my mind is filling with a darkness I can’t speak of. Here I am reminiscing everything that is taking place. I am walking without legs. I am breathing with out lungs. I am living without heart. It’s as if I am continuing in this dark place reaching for nail scared hands extended, but all I grasp is empty space. Nothing is there. My soul cries out. I scream within myself. It’s has if I’m in a cage. I feel I am walking through the Valley of the shadow of death without the guide of your staff, I can’t see the comfort of your rod. I scream within myself. All I beg for is your hand to hold. But I am alone.

I hear a heart beat. It won’t go away.

This heartbeat is not mine. This breath is the breath of life. There is evidence of movement, but it is not of my own. Carried in the arms of grace, I am carried in the arms of grace.

Game Over

A fox, sly and cunning… moves about. This seducing smile holds me captive. I can’t move. Those eyes pierce my very fortress that took long to build. I feel it crumbling. I feel these foundations give way to…. smooth words. My door opens up to a thief….take your time, tear me up inside. I am only a toy in this game. Victim and action figure, I have become in this game of cat and mice. Seduction at it most subtle form. Execute the elected in their sleep. Tear their heart out, their head on your platter. Its time to find another innocent victim.
I walk past you.
You see me.
You want to play another game.
This time I’ll be calling the shots.
This time ignorance is bliss.
This time a shot below her belt will give her the idea.
This time I know better.

My story up till now....

As I have reached my college years, I look back and see where I have come from and where I have been. One year ago, I was in a relationship that had been more successful than all the others. I thought it was going good, and I was slowly getting into the process of making plans to get married. Within time was going to be married and at a very young age. I realize that was not part of Gods plan. My plans were get into construction and eventually, start my own construction business. My I had been working a descent job for my age and making descent money for a young adult. I got my eyes on money. I had come to the conclusion that what I wanted was money. I was going to be well off and was going to do it through a way that I could. I didn't have the grades. I didn't have anything that would have been able to get me to where I wanted to go, except through business and working with what I knew. I had passions, such as music, but that wasn't going to get much money through that. At that point I was working on my own plans for my life, focusing on my girlfriend, and a youth group that I had taken charge of at a small Assembly of God Church nearby my home. God had been putting things in my heart. I wanted to work this youth group. I wanted to see good things come out of it. It started to become the focus of my attention. I had been focusing on it so much I began to neglect my relationship with my girlfriend, and I was still not right in my relationship with God. I was not pure in many aspect of my life. There was a lot I had to work on. Things started to fall apart, when I took this youth group. Finally, my relationship fell through. I almost didn't graduate high school. It seemed like things started to fall apart. I was broken. I started to think about Gods plans, not mine. I truely believe that period of my life was ordained by God. I went through an intense summer of seeking God and spiritual growth. I went on a missions trip that changed my life. I had several options of what I was going to pursue. Hillsong in Australia, Vanguard University, stay with the youth group, Evangel University, or pursue my career in business to try to make money. After much prayer and fasting, and pondering my future and life, I decided I would apply for Evangel University. My parents were not completely going along with it, but they were going to help me out as much as I could. Yea they tried to talk me out of it, but I decided that if it was part of God plan He will make a way. I started to apply the night I got back from my missions trip on July 25. I decided that was where I wanted to go, but I had a lot that was against me. Finances, a past that could have kept me from being accepted, and the time factor was all against me. It would have had to be God if I was going to be accepted. Sure enough after some phone calls and a review committee, a week and a half later I was called at work and notified that I was accepted. I was so relieved. It was amazing. I called my dad and told him. I remember my mom told me he started to cry that phone conversation. He is a pretty tough guy. That meant something. I had two and a half weeks to prepare myself mentally for moving away form home 2,500 miles. It was tough, but I did my best. Within that two weeks, I got a phone call from my youth pastor. He told me he had something for me, and he didn't know who it was from. I went to church after work and recieved an envelope from him. It was titled to me and was anonymis. It had 1,000 dollars in it. I didn't know who it was. It was a complete blessing for me. God knew I was to have financial problems, and He gave me a little boost to show me He was in control. I feel that was a sign showing me I was in His hands and in His will. I left on a tuesday with my dad. The night before was hard. I remember my mom giving me a going away letter. It means so much to me. I remember reading it and crying harder than I have in a long time. I still have this letter. After two days later I arived to school and then went to my grandmothers house for a day. The morning I left my grandma's house was a morning I will never forget. My dad walked me out to my truck and embraced me for a while with tears running down his face. I will never forget that because my dad is somewhat of an emotionless tough guy sometimes. It became something that I will always remember, and it was something that meant so much to me. I drove off at 5:00 in the moring heading towards a life that I didn't know I was going to venture into weeks before. It was such a drastic change. But I feel it was part of a plan God had for me. Here I am at Evangel Univeristy. It has been a ton of fun, but some of the hardest times I have come across. I know it is where I am supposed to be though. I see how everthing played out, and I can only look at God and His amazing love for me and my situations. I will continue to go in this direction God has layed out before me, until He has called me other wise. My favorite Bible verse is Provers 3:5 and 6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways ancknowledge Him and He will direct your paths". That is the story of how God intervened in my life, and turned things upside down for me. I am in awe of everything He has done for me.

TheThrone

I came across this old lyrical expression I wrote a while back. This poem is about entering into God's presence with your fears and insecurities.

I enter into this threshold with my frailty in my hands and my humanity in my heart. Inadequate and confused, I find myself encased in disillusionment. I am captive to my finite world. Looking through a shattered glass window I can see my gift of today, my hopes for tomorrow, and the remedy of eternity. I feel failure as I grasp for it. I am wondering in the memories of yesterday. I am chained to the past. The face of present reality leaves me motionless and afraid. It cuts deep. I am standing at your doorstep unsure of what is to come….As I enter into your court with my clouded mind and heavy heart.... So it fades. So my darkness fades quickly away and I see your splendor and all its grace….You opened my eyes, my eyes that I stitched close. You melted this heart of stone that I held so near. You wiped away every tear that poured down in my insecurities. Your light illuminated.

Its time to wake up...

I want to change the world...I want to make an impact. With whatever my skills, my talents, or characteristics are I want to be a Vessel used by my God. This is something that burns in my heart. As I try to write down my emotions its hard to fully grasp the intensity of this desire. Yes, there is a lot of confusion. A lot of sins and stumbling blocks are in my way to attain such an aspiration, but it burns. Burns like a fire. "I want to set the West in flames. I want to watch the East put hell to shame. I want to hear the words, 'the South is on fire', and I want to set the North ablaze..." Revival is around the corner. God is going to move beyond our wildest imaginations. Its on the bridge. I can feel it. I can feel it. Yes, this is an emotional feeling. But its also a part of reality. Its real. If we can only grasp that its real. I want to be a part of that. I want to do what I can to shake this world up. Yes, this society is a rebellious entity of failing human nature and a caskate of finite, flaw-filled ideas. The people who make up this melting pot of distorted worldviews and resulting chaos are searching. They are searching for something new. Something different. Something that will blow them out of their mediocre, insecure, wasted out of their mind, lives. They turn to things that they only hope will fullfill them. They smoke and inhale the fumes of substances that will take them away from the reality that they created. They try to find fullfillment in each other through physical experiments and interaction with others who are searching for the same thing. They get drunk and lock themselves up in a cage of supressed thinking so they don't have to think about their insecurities and problems. Others fill their heart with greed. They hope to find satisfaction and happiness in green paper and monitary, material items.These people need Jesus. That is what they are looking for. These people have potential. That is what we need to realize. Do we realize that? Are we willing to accept the fact that we are not doing what we can to help these people who are out brothers and sisters? Or are we dealing with the same insecureities as they are? Maybe we are too focused on ourselves, trying to satisfy our God shaped whole with the same elements they are? I am determined to live my life as Jesus would have lived His. I don't care how it makes me feel. I don't care what others say, think, or do. I am going to be the leader. Not a shaken up, insecure, confused Christian. I want to change this upsidedown, messed up, screwed-over world of people that Jesus died for. That is why I was born. I am nothing special. I am not God's gift to the world. I just want others to know about God's gift to the world. I'm not going to wait on the world to change. It doesn't want to change."Men love the darkness" they are in because "their deeds are evil". I am done waiting. This time its personal. This time, I am not going to watch my friends mess up there lives with drugs, sex, alcohol, and the stupid ideas of society that lead people away from what they need the most. I am done watching people suffer with out a loving Saviour, who is crying and heart broken because they are not turning to Him. Its time to take a stand. Its time to make a differnence. Its time to move beyond the cliche sayings and empty words of an ever increasing complacent Christian worldview. If we don't the blood of our brothers and sisters will be on our hands. We will be the ones to blame. Its time to start a fire...